Though of course the greek philosopher Socrates did not leave us any writings, this description of himself in Xenophon’s Symposium V, 4-9 is the closest we get to a self-portrait.
In the dialogue, Socrates uses his ugliness to probe Critobulus’ unquestioned ideas of beauty. He thus puts to test the traditional concept of καλοκἀγαθία (kalokagathìa), which affirmed the correspondence between outer and inner beauty.
The “naturalism” of Socrates’ self-representation is clearly polemical.
(Portrait of Socrates, Roman artwork from the first century, perhaps a copy of a lost bronze statue by Lysippos.)
Socrates asked: “Do you consider that the quality of beauty is confined to man, or is it to be found in other objects also? What is your belief on this point?”
“For my part – replied Critobulus – I consider it belongs alike to animals–the horse, the ox–and to many things inanimate: that is to say, a shield, a sword, a spear are often beautiful.”
“How is it possible that things, in no respect resembling one another, should each and all be beautiful?”
“Of course it is, God bless me! if well constructed by the hand of man to suit the sort of work for which we got them, or if naturally adapted to satisfy some want, the things in either case are beautiful.”
“Can you tell me, then, what need is satisfied by our eyes?”
“Clearly, the need of vision.”
“If so, my eyes are proved at once to be more beautiful than yours.”
“Because yours can only see just straight in front of them, whereas mine are prominent and so projecting, they can see aslant.”
“And amongst all animals, you will tell us that the crab has loveliest eyes? Is that your statement?”
“Decidedly, the creature has. And all the more so, since for strength and toughness its eyes by nature are the best constructed.”
“Well, let that pass. To come to our two noses, which is the more handsome, yours or mine?”
“Mine, I imagine, if, that is, the gods presented us with noses for the sake of smelling. Your nostrils point to earth; but mine are spread out wide and flat, as if to welcome scents from every quarter.”
“But consider, a snubness of the nose, how is that more beautiful than straightness?”
“For this good reason, that a snub nose does not discharge the office of a barrier; it allows the orbs of sight free range of vision: whilst your towering nose looks like an insulting wall of partition to shut off the two eyes.”
“As to the mouth – proceeded Critobulus -, I give in at once; for, given mouths are made for purposes of biting, you could doubtless bite off a much larger mouthful with your mouth than I with mine.”
“Yes, and you will admit, perhaps, that I can give a softer kiss than you can, thanks to my thick lips.”
“It seems I have an uglier mouth than any ass.”
“And here is a fact which you will have to reckon with, if further evidence be needed to prove that I am handsomer than you. The naiads, nymphs, divine, have as their progeny Sileni, who are much more like myself, I take it, than like you. Is that conclusive?”
“Nay, I give it up – cried Critobulus -, I have not a word to say in answer. I am silenced.”